this one time i stood on a field while it was raining and jumped to this song until i accidentally jumped into a mud puddle, slipped, fell and got right up, muddy, and continued dancing
it’s still one of my favourite memories attached to a song
LANEWAY 2011 NEVER FORGET
travelogue, january/february 2013
monday, wednesday, friday
winning, winning, winning
(not pictured: cochran winning survivor, because goddamn that was too brilliant for one picture)
second thing i typed last night, immediately after tweeting “what was that” out of sheer disbelief that this had happened, was “this is the best kind of reeling.”
it’s been more than twenty-four hours, and it still feels like the best kind of reeling. i mean, there have been points throughout today where i felt slightly gross because i could’ve jumped seats and gotten nearer to the stage or i could’ve met them at the airport or i could’ve instagrammed a different photo and more people would celebrate this with me, because mostly it feels like i haven’t been present enough through this whole thing, but for the most part it’s been nuts. i was listening to where does the good go and it dawned on me that last night i sang this song with a thousand people and it was crazy and happy and i still can’t believe it
there really is something about seeing a band you love live, especially if that band was your first and you’ve been listening to them for four whole years, and you feel they’ve changed your life significantly for the better. it’s enough for this love to warrant a ton of feelings but to see it in fanmail i am embarrassed about and in four years of blog posts, that’s something. and it’s amazing. i’m so glad for last night. i could believe that the energy from last night will carry me through the rest of the year, i almost want to say i can die happy now, but the irony of that considering they did a lot of keeping me off the edge would be nuts.
i am so happy last night happened
this is truly the best kind of reeling
i feel like i can do anything and i will be able to do anything for a really long time to come
- there was a new hyperbole and a half post this week, and it resonated a lot less with me than the first post did in october 2011. that’s probably a good thing. so. you know. feelings.
- anxiety is a different monster from depression but probably neither are clinical if they haven’t impaired my ability to live
- despite whatever anxiety, and whatever i’m saying about anxiety, tonight was fun, i did enjoy myself, and the food was good. tonight was good, maybe.
- shit sucks sometimes but i’m so glad i’m here now.
- if i’ve amended more than half of this post, should the original post just be deleted?
words i have enjoyed recently: racemic, carbocation, azerbaijan, uninterested, ampersand, phoenix, oh, sphygmomanometers, towel, panini, mint, linear, ocean, ocean, ocean
four spontaneous outings (goddamn i do hate this word) in seven days: jun asking if i was free on sunday and then again on wednesday afternoon, sudden trip out to orchard road after care corner, meeting kwok for iron man on saturday after tweeting that i was free this weekend
all these dates were enjoyable, you know, like most of the time i spend with my friends tends to be, and i am liking this spontaneity. the less time my fear of people has time to manifest as the same crippling social anxiety i get sometimes, the more i can let go, and this much is good, even if i can feel the burden of anticipation right now and this burden is constant regardless of type of social interaction. perhaps spontaneity is a good enough, if temporary, antidote.
and in the same way, snapchat has been a revelation - i am not so much afraid of my own face as i am of the judgement that tends to come with outside perception/holding on to this for now and hoping that i don’t ever stop trusting its mechanism.
just look at this it’s a fucking work of art
“do not stand at my grave and weep / i am not there”
i hope everything where you are is every bit as wonderful to you as you were to everything here
this has been two weeks of love & loss and i want to feel like i am better off for it
this (just. be good, okay?)
also, from boy meets boy:
“i wondered if these guys had told (him) they loved him while he was alive, or whether it was only with death that this strange word, love, could be used”